Do you ever stop and really examine your day? Every thought, every word, every action...only to realize that you did absolutely nothing important. And the funny part is that, for me at least, lying in bed all day writing or even just sleeping feels so much more proactive than running errands. I can't stand myself when I'm playing the society game. I fear that as I grow older my introverted tendencies will only worsen. I enjoy being by myself too much. I enjoy wasting time too much. I enjoy doing things that benefit my mind, body, and spirit rather than society. Ghandi said to "be the change you wish to see in the world"; I completely agree with that statement, but I can't bring myself to believe that planting a tree would make my heart feel warmer than a warm cup of mint cocoa and my Westside Story DVD. Does that make me selfish? God, that does make me selfish. I'm almost ashamed of myself, but maybe by sorting this all out in the open I can make sense of it. I feel that taking time to get to know oneself, to forge a friendship with oneself, is the only way to successfully understand who it is you want to be, and in turn how you are going to leave your mark on the Earth before the time comes for you to leave it. Although I would use the word impulsive to describe myself, I feel that when it comes to the big stuff it's all about preparation. If I don't feel ready to leap, then why not stop and take an extra breath? Not every decision you make in life comes equipped with a second chance guarantee, in fact very few do. And for people like me who tend to disregard the consequences for just about everything, it's not smart to rush into a decision that may just have a much larger impact than initially expected.
I don't really know how I got so off topic. The main point is, I feel that I haven't done anything truly important in a very long time. And who am I to say anything I've ever done was important? I need to create something and put it out into the world in order to feel like i'm contributing somehow. I'll have to replace another excerpt of ridiculous, psycho babble with something I've written lately sometime. Perhaps tomorrow. I tend to save the good stuff for my journal, and the insanity for the blog.
I'm going to invent a pie. I'm going to finish my song. I'm going to post my cover of Lua on Youtube. I'm going to finish the two books I've been simultaneously reading. I'm going to continue to take my vitamins daily, as well as sweat through 100 sit ups and breathing. There are not enough hours in the day to read, be productive, and satisfy my need to create words and music. Note to self: Your life isn't that hard, stop complaining.
Sleep sweet.
P.S. A Love Song For Bobby Long was wonderful. It made me fall in love with my guitar again. I sort of disregarded it for a week as I've been teaching myself how to play the piano. I'm slowly making progress with the UP score.
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