Today Something Happened

I'm writing my first novel. It's really happening. I'm really doing it. Maybe, if I can conjure up the willpower, I will post the goings-on of my process....BUT what I'm really hoping will happen, is that I will disappear and write something truly wonderful and magical. So for now, goodbye. Talk to you soon. - Yaz

Don't Ask Me To Rise

I can't put into words what I'm feeling. It's like every thing hurts. My eyes feel like lead weights but they won't stay shut. I don't know what you're trying to do to me. Why is it okay for you to walk in and out of peoples' lives when you know damn well how much you rearrange a persons anatomy the minute you look them in the eye. I finished putting myself back together after leaning on you for so long and now it just feels like my veins and nerves are splitting and reattaching themselves. Why is it so easy for me to forget the horrible, cruel way you treated me? I just want to talk to you. I just want to talk to you. I want to lay in bed with you, like we used to, and feel, for a moment, that I am safe and understood. I just want to sleep you away. I just want this ambivalence to end. I got what I wished for every day for four months, and now I have no idea what to do. I don't know what to do with you. I just want to sleep. But I know I'll just dream about being OK. I'll dream that you and I are OK. I'll dream so hard that I'll wake up thinking I'm whole. I can't be whole, you won't give back the parts of me I gave you. To fill in the holes, the gaps, the spaces that were left empty.

I just want to sleep.

I think I know

I am the reason. I'm the reason you felt the need to bring what you feel on the inside, to the outside. I claim to be holding every one together, but in truth I'm just a single, rusty staple. I can only go so far before time sweeps over me like high tide. Just like that salty expanse of tears, I'm a victim of the capricious moon's ambivalence to highs and lows. I love you though. So I will attempt to be better. I think I could be better, better for you. Just give me some time to wash my skin of it's sallow color. Just give me a little time to compromise with my bones so they don't try so hard to make themselves known under my armor, which is diminishing day after day. I think I know what you want, and I think if I fight hard enough against myself I could give it to you. I just need a little time. I just need a little time.