Am I going to be the kind of barely-in-her-twenties, vegetarian, girl who binge eats three chicken tenders straight out of the oven because her sister called her self centered?
I am completely uninspired by the idea of being inspired. I find myself blaming the stigma attached to not knowing what you want or who you are more and more each day. It's completely stifling to feel like your mistakes are being tallied up like pounds on a scale, and reducing you in the eyes of others. I want to be able to trip and fall and have that be perfectly ok. Because that's normal! It's normal to be 19 years old and switching majors more often than you switch out disposable razors. I don't watch shows like Nikita or Covert Affairs to feel better about myself. I know that it's awesome to see women portrayed as strong individuals, but to me that's not real. I can't find myself, or any other woman I know, within those characters. We are imperfect, we are soft, mushy, and emotional. We are strong, but not because we can wear a jumpsuit, or find 20 different defensive uses for a kitchen knife. I want to see people fuck up, embarrass themselves, change their minds, and still keep moving forward. That's what's inspiring to me, those are the woman who convince me to get up every morning and just do me, whatever the consequences might be.
Badass is feeling. Badass is being able to face up to how much of a failure you currently are, and yet not let it hinder you from believing with all your heart that someday that will all change.
So hurray to the Lena Dunhams of the world. Thank you for making me feel less alone in my clumsy entrance into womanhood. Yeah maybe I will be 24 and still only paying for half of my iphone bill because I'm working as an unpaid intern at some publishing firm while I "write my first essay collection". Maybe even the Coffee Bean won't call me back in for an interview. Maybe I will continue to love all the wrong people in all the wrong ways. But it won't always be so.
It won't.
xoxo Yaz
