I'd Do It All Again

I hate the decisions I make when I am thinking clearly...

The other night I was lying in bed, listening to Hide and Seek on repeat on my iPod. I don't know what it is about that song, but every time I hear it it makes me so sad that I have physical heart pains. It must have been around 2 am, and I know I was the only one in the house who was awake. And through the pain, I came to realize that I was smiling. My heart had been dormant for so long; I had been running from any form of emotion for weeks, maybe even months. The feeling I had was similar to the first breathe you take after being underwater for too long. Magnified relief. I am a masochist. I create the situations that ruin me. Maybe I enjoy the process of putting all the pieces back together, knowing I can make them fit however pleases me. But I truly believe that there is something wrong with my choice of a hobby. Every line is blurred. I am haunted by the demons of the ones I love, and the ones that may or may not love me.

please explain this

Macbook

Working at Jamba Juice, making overpriced smoothies for the yuppies of Southern California has never felt more rewarding than in this moment, as I am typing my first blog since October on my brand new Macbook!

Maybe this computer will make it easier to stay in touch with the cyber world I tend to hide from.

Packing Your Life Into Boxes

Homes should not be permanent. We are human, we're wild animals not meant for cages.

...yet we still long for the feeling of home

The Beginning of Drew

As Drew traced hearts on the foggy glass window the below zero weather soaked through her knit cap, numbing the aching pain she had not been able to shake since last year. The holidays meant something entirely different to her than to most. It was the anniversary of her death. Though she still pretended to breathe, lifting her chest up and down as pragmatically as possible, the only response it brought was the scornful gazes of whomever would look at her long enough to notice her desperate plea for attention. It was foolish, to pretend to live in a world where life did not exist. Just the same, every year as the holidays rounded the corner she would pull out a fresh roll of Scotch tape and plaster her lips into a spacious smile, her cracked and bleeding lips giving her away each time. It was the contentious behavior of the half living kind that surrounded her that fueled her desire for whatever was above. Just as on Earth love represented the integrity of God, it must be that indifference served the same purpose in this rotting Hell in which she had been plunged into so long ago. The fact of the matter was, it was Cupid and his looming arrow that killed her long before her time.